Thursday, October 23, 2008

The pictures that haunt me...

...Instead if inspire me. I was cleaning and throwing out some crap yesterday and came across some pictures from when I was skinny. See, I was robbed of my skinniness, and I didn't even get to have it for long. I have terrible terrible genetics and have always had problems with my weight.
All my life I have always been a little "chubby"..not the real FAT girl in the class, but always the one with "meat on my bones"...it sucked. I had a boyfriend, a cute one too, all through HS from freshman to senior year. As we dated I gained weight. When I started to drift away from him towards the end of my senior year I started losing more weight than I ever lost. I got up to, while I was dating him, 185, and while I was with him, towards the end, got down to 150...then 145..then I dumped him and got all the way down to 125-130 by doing Atkins..my "happy" weight. I'd never weighed that before as a grown person and what I think is crazy, is then, I still thought I was FAT! I look back at pictures now and wish that is what I looked like. Here are some examples of what I looked like...not to mention this is what I first looked like when Trent and I got together...Trent took the picture of me in the pink
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I wish I had the picture on my computer that I seen yesterday. I found one where I have my shirt tied up to show my midriff...and I am not a "midriff showing" kind of girl..even when I was skinny, and I looked so damn good in the picture. When I look at it now it makes me sad because I think in my head that my tummy will never look that good again. It is so stretched out now, I am only losing a pound or two every two weeks. Lately, I just feel robbed of my body and my sexiness. I feel like Trent is repulsed my the sight of me naked because I am. Lately, he has been making remarks about everything that goes in my mouth. He use to be so proud of me because I was HOT in his eyes and I think Ive lost that. While I was pregnant my weight got all the way up to 221lbs...I started at 165(I had put on some weight from quiting smoking. Now I am 172 and it has felt like such a lonnnngggg journey to get there. I am doing activities to further my weight loss like Weight Watchers, working out, and eating less...still very slowwwww results. This is me
nowPhotobucketAll I want is to be one of those people who are happy with what they look like no matter what. I do thank FAB and all the mommas in it because they give me a lot of confidence through their kind words. That is all the rambling I am going to do for today. one day...one day...

6 comments:

Anissa said...

Ashley I think you are GORGEOUS!! I really do. When I look at you I see sexiness and beautifulness (if thats a word?lol) As we get older it seems harder to get back to the way we used to be. But we brought life into this world and that makes us beautiful no matter how many pounds we are. Love u!

Kayla said...

You look great no matter what!!! you are a beautiful person inside and out! we all love you no matter what weight

Brianne said...

I love you girlie!!!! I feel the same way to an extent,(sometimes I just don't give a shit) I have always been chubby myself, I wish I could be skinny but I know it will never happen so I am learning to love what I am now...stretch marks and all...after all they did get my little princess here. ;o) Love you girl!

Nicknessaemma said...

Losing weight is so hard. I am working on this too. It gets so frustrating. What is working for me right now is, eating hardly anything =) Bike for 50 min. And meeting with my doctors once a month to monitor me. I am also on a prescription diet pill. Have you thought about talking to your doctor about it? I was so embarressed to say anything and then one day I got really depressed and called. I am so happy I did. You can do it. Hang in there...

The Beard Family of 5 said...

Ashley - I think you are beautiful! I'm also proud of you for how you are looking at things. One of my closest friends is your story to a tee - the exact lbs and everything. She is currently working out and going to weight watchers and it's slowly coming off, but she's progressing and it's turning into a lifestyle (o:

Renae said...

Ashley, you are beautiful! No one is completely happy with what they look like. That is a dream no one can achieve unfortunately. Just keep working (not that you don't already look great) and try loving yourself from the inside out. That sexiness isn't gone. It'll come out once your confidence does. ;) Sexiness has nothing to do with weight or size.